In 2015, my world came crashing down. I had been seeing a counselor for my mental problems for about a year. The counselor I was seeing decided that it was time for me to get a diagnosis, or she couldn't continue seeing me. I didn't see any harm in that, so I agreed.

 

I was given the diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder. I wasn't prepared for something like that, and I stopped going to counseling. I didn't know what the diagnosis was, but it sounded scary, and I didn't like the way "schizotypal" sounded.

 

I've since started going back to counseling, and we've come to the agreement that it was a misdiagnosis, but there are signs present that do fit that diagnosis. The counselor I am currently seeing doesn't believe in diagnosising outside of insurance reasons, and since insurance isn't involved, I have not recieved any other, so according to record, I still am diagnosed with STPD.

dagonfly

So let me explain what it is that I go through. I live in two different worlds, one that my mind makes up, and the real one, and I sometimes have difficulty figuring out which is which. I have double memories of a lot of various events in my life, and I can't tell you which one is real, and which one isn't. So for all intents and purposes, they are both real to me. These memories are generally similar, and often both just as traumatic as the counterpart.

 

I also have trouble engaging with other people on a personal level. I tend to have difficulty realising that you are a person with your own feelings, emotions, dreams, and whatever else unless you bring them to me. It takes a considerable amount of conscious effort to keep in mind that you exist.

 

The biggest problem I face, my emotions are held at bay a lot of the times. This is the part of my life that has improved the most, but I sometimes find it hard to react with the appropriate emotional response. For the longest time, I never missed anyone.

These things sometimes make day to day life difficult. It's not as often anymore, now that I have a considerable amount of tools to help me through the difficult days. But there are still days where I'll be stuck in my alternate world, or I'll react inappropriately to a social situation. They might not seem like huge things. But they've left me bullied, abused, and ridiculed throughout the years.

 

The big thing though that I like to stress. My mental state is not Who I am. I do my best to remember who you are, to keep the lies my mind tells me straight from the truth. I push myself to be emotional. I am not a label that was placed on me, but a human who is working through difficulties and learning to play with the hand I've been dealt.

Email: auticus@socialdragonfly.net


 

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