Month: September 2016

September 30, 2016 auticus No comments exist

MC lars – Twenty-Three

One of the ways that Schizotypal Personality Disorder manifests itself is a belief that everyone hates me. I have an extremely hard time forming friends because I am convinced that they dislike me. I’ve spent most of my life convinced that those who have hung out with me only did so because I was there and they had no choice. This was reinforced in my mind by being a military kid. Every time you move, your friends say “we’ll keep in touch.” Or “we’ll come visit for sure!” But in most cases, that doesn’t happen. In every place I’ve moved to, and the friends I’ve had along the way, only one friend visited me, and he only visited because I paid for his trip.


I don’t like having friends for this reason. I’m in a constant battle with myself on if the person likes me or not. If you ask me, I would say I have two close friends, and good friend, and a few people I would call friend, but consider more as acquaintance. That’s about all I’m able to handle. Anything else I can’t keep up with. The war in my mind over if they are truly my friends becomes to hard, and I give up. If I have decided to call you a friend, even a distant friend, it’s because I’ve decided you are worth the daily battle that goes on in my mind.


One of the main ways I decided to deal with this was through cutting. There would be days that I would cut to the point I could hardly stand. I don’t remember exactly when, but I do remember one day I had fallen asleep on my ex girlfriend’s bed. This had been probably a day or two after I had put some pretty intense cuts on my body. I would cut on my leg so that I could easily hide them. But I had moved in my sleep, which raised up my pants enough to see the cuts. I remember her being concerned and urging me to seek help.


At that particular time I didn’t. But that conversation did start something inside of me. It was one of the first times I actually realized that I couldn’t get through whatever was going on on my own, that I needed help, and not just the help from friends. But I was stubborn, and decided I could do it on my own. I had done a few things to make it look like I was getting help, I had gone to the counselor at my college and talked with her once. She told me that she wasn’t equipped to deal with the problems I was having. But gave me a list of resources to call if I needed help. Most of them cost money, but one of them didn’t. So I tucked it away for later.


September 27, 2016 auticus 1 comment

Goo Goo Dolls – Notbroken


One question that is often asked is “are you happy?” I hear this question at least once a week, and I ask it of myself probably every day. But what does that mean? The answer they want to hear is “yes” and if I don’t answer that, the follow up question is “why not?”


By all rights, I should be happy. I have a great job with great hours, I live a few minutes from my family who loves me, I have the best friends I could ask for. I also have the money to do what I want without breaking the bank. All these things, according to the world, are what makes us happy. So it leaves me wondering, what exactly is happiness?


To me, it’s not an emotion. I’m mean, yes, there is the emotion “happy” or “joy” but to be happy, it’s not an emotion exactly. It’s the same with love, love is more than just an emotion. It’s a choice. If you love someone, you have to wake up every morning and choose to love them no matter what. It’s the same with happiness, you have to wake up every day to choose to be happy.


It’s not easy. It’s something that I have to fight every single day. Some days I make it, some days I don’t. I could go on and on about how I’ve beaten myself up about the days that I didn’t make it. The days where I’ve called in sick to work because I just couldn’t handle it. But, that misses the point. It’s not about the days we don’t make it. The important part is looking back on the days I did.


To be able to look back and say “you won that battle, but you haven’t won the war.” Practically though, what does that look like? How do you do that when all seems lost? It’s learning from your mistakes, to pick yourself up, and keep pushing forward. But, it doesn’t mean you have to push forward right away.


For example, I recently got back into playing Minecraft. It’s been one of my favorite games for awhile. I’m playing a customized version of it that starts you on a block of dirt with a tree on it. All around you is void. It has mods installed on it so that you can build other things besides just wooden structures, and eventually you could get anything you could normal get and do in the game.


With this mode, it starts out slow, waiting constantly for the trees to grow so that you can continue building out a platform. I had put about five hours into the game, finally gotten to a point where I could start doing other things besides watching trees grow constantly when my game crashed. It corrupted my game file, and I lost everything I had done the past couple of hours.


When that happens, the last thing I want to do is start over from scratch and build it all up again. So I don’t. I turn off the game and do something else, either play another game, go to sleep, read a book, anything. In that moment, I can’t deal with the game, and trying to wouldn’t lead to anything with a positive gain.


I think that’s something people often don’t realize. You don’t have to face everything right away. It’s not weakness to put something off until you are ready to deal with it. That doesn’t mean that you put it off forever, you do eventually have to deal with it. Just like I’ll go back to the game and play it again.


So to bring this around to happiness. For me, to be happy, it’s not about the money I have, or the quality of my life. It’s my ability to pick myself up, and face the problems I’m having.


One of the aspects of my condition, I have a hard time with emotions. I don’t process them “correctly.” By the time the emotion I’m suppose to be feeling actually reaches my body, it’s gone through so many filters, it doesn’t actually take effect. I’ve struggled for years on how to describe what this actually looks like. The best way I’ve been able to describe it. By the time the emotion takes it’s effect, I’ve been removed from the equation. It’s as if I’m looking at myself from a third person perspective. I see that I’m laughing, crying, or whatever the emotion is. I see that I’m experiencing that, but my mental cognition doesn’t register it. I’m basically experiencing two different things at the same time.


September 23, 2016 auticus No comments exist

I fight dragons – Disaster Heart

The first thing people generally find out about me, is that I’m a military brat. Specifically, a Navy brat. I spent the first 19 years of my life moving every three to four years. The idea of a hometown is a foreign concept for me. I’ve never been able to truly understand what it’s like to live in one place for so long or what it’s like to have a childhood friend.

But, I’ve also experienced the world. I’ve lived in seven states, two countries, and seventeen different houses. I’ve spent months between duty stations where we’d travel around the United States. One of my earliest memories is standing by the Grand Canyon holding my dad’s hand. For those who are wondering, I lived in Japan for four years.

Many people would say that this is the dream, but it wasn’t for me. When I was 23, I started going to therapy for my depression. I had gotten to a point where I could no longer handle it, I felt alone and forgotten in the world and that the only escape would be to end it all. Luckily, my girlfriend at the time, and my two best friends strongly encouraged me to seek help. I’m not sure if they knew how bad my depression was at the time, but they had seen enough to step in.

Once I started going to therapy, I started to understand some of the things that weren’t right. I was originally diagnosed with PTSD. However, after further looking into my problems and further treatment, my therapist came to the conclusion that it was a misdiagnoses and was officially changed to┬áSchizotypal Personality Disorder (previously known as borderline schizophrenia). Basically meaning that to an extent, the world I live in and see, is not the same as the world you live in and see. I have an extremely hard time understanding other people’s emotions and behaviors. Over the years, I had learned the correct social ques. If someone said something, and others laughed, I knew that meant it was funny, so I’d laugh, but more often than not, I didn’t really understand the meaning behind it. That isn’t to say I never laughed, stand up comedy has always been one of my favorite forms of entertainment.

One of the biggest ways it’s shown itself is if I’m in a setting like a concert. I’m often asked if I’m enjoying myself, or if I’d rather not be there, because I stand relatively still most of the time. Which isn’t the “socially acceptable” response.

Once this diagnoses came about, my depression doubled. I knew the stereotypes that are associated with schizophrenia, and even though I wasn’t diagnosed with full blown schizophrenia, I still couldn’t bring myself to admit I was part of the same family. So instead I kept it hidden. A few months after the diagnoses, I stopped going to therapy. I had gotten fed up with my therapist telling me I needed to open up to people and tell them my problems and trust that they’d help me. But I refused.